Being in the present: Nothing is fixed


Learning to be afraid and not run away hide or try to repress it. Even the idea of sitting in a feeling letting it be letting it hurt. Checking my thoughts that are only focused outwards on what someone else did. Checking my own behavior,  my attachment to ideals ideas dreams or ways of imagining or desiring a state of being, a status and feeling.  when something isnt about the person its about wht they stand for to me or how I view myself when I am with someone or in a certain situation. That is what I meed to question.  Dwelling on a relationship or certain status as permanent or desiring it to be permanent when nothing ever is. When state of flux is always the way when change is the only thing that is constant.  Holding on to a thing for comfort or a perceived sense of stability or groundedness or love when all that I need is within me waiting to be discovered or more than discovered.. Just trusting the ourselves to get through it observing our thoughts our behavior as we do so. Brought out and purified of all the shit clustering around it. The distraction the mental chatter in our brains that never shuts up a always brings us down.  That state of conscious kindness to ourselves.  Compassion to ourselves and aware need of how our actions effect others. This is also something I am really starting even begin to comprehend.    How giving our selves the space to be in the present moment feel every emotion and fear observe it but not dwell or by into it as an overwhelming truth. Because each emotion and fear too will pass a change. In times of trail and when things fall apart all is left is the immutable steadfastness or or being. We are still here. Our hearts still beat. We are now vulnerable and open stripped of the comforts or ideals and attachments we clung to. We need to rediscover the happiness that comes from inside ourselves. Observing the purity of being when we face the world with love that has no conditions, peace and compassion for others to make this world a better place by our being in it.

It’s YOU: not a projection of what you want


You are strong, grounded and steady. Spirituality is important to you.

Everything you start saying that you want in your next partner are things that you have in yourself. You possess these qualities. Don’t spend time dreaming about the future person you want in you life, dream about the perfect version of yourself you are working to become.

You are creative, and make things, you are healthy, you eat well. You are tidy and your house has order, character and beauty about it. You’re stable and reliable.
You don’t get lonely, you appreciate being alone, sit in that place of uncomfortableness and make peace with it. Feeling yourself and appreciating the beautiful life you have. The amazing friends you have.

Life is a wonderful adventure and journey. You manifested an adventure, turning down an opportunity and bringing another more unexpected upheaval with it.

What does a relationship mean to you?
I don’t know what it means to me now. I feel like I wanted a relationship for the solidarity of that being one thing I didn’t need to worry about. Someone to pour out all my love on, someone, my person to feel fulfillment of my need to connect and experience intimacy. Even writing this all now it seems very selfish and self centred, filled with lots of expectations on others.
What do you get out of it?
Joy, excitement of sharing life, sharing experiences and love. Feeling connected and intimate with someone. Seeing joy, happiness, and pleasure, even satisfaction on someone else’s face. Feeling like you’re able to share support, you’re not just here for yourself, that this whole life is just a little bit bigger than you. You have the ability to give joy and happiness, belonging and love to someone else.
How does it feel?
I always felt really content, happy and grounded. Knowing I belonged, I was special to someone. Feeling part of something beautiful. Feeling connected and in love. I felt like I could take on anything because I had my love. I could be brave, courageous, because I had a safe place to share my worries, cares and feel heard. Feeling protected, and the knowledge that someone out there really cares about you. That you matter to someone.
Why is it so important?
I feel like it’s just wired into me. It’s like I couldn’t stop being gay just as much as I couldn’t stop wanting to be in a relationship. I feel like everything has meaning and stability, even though I know I have all of that inside of myself. It’s so challenging to try and switch off that desire. Impossible like the struggle I had with trying to tone down my love or turn it off when she wasn’t emotionally available to me. Like I was born to love someone, and be loved by someone. To know that it is hard work, and know I am committed, able to love COMPLETELY, with all of my being, not thinking for a second that it was impossible or that we wouldn’t be able to make it through anything together.

How do co dependency and independence work in a relationship dynamic?
I don’t know. I know they should and I want them to. But maybe I’m just using the wrong words. Two people in each others lives, in a relationship will always have some level of co-dependence. And unless they’ve learned young not to trust, that humans are untrustworthy or that it hurts and people can’t be consistent then we’re wired that way. I feel so sad that people have horrible childhood experiences or as they grow up have had that love and trust in people that are closest to them beaten out of them. I know it scares the shit out of me, and I’ve taken such a long time to truly open myself up to loving, trusting and being completely open to someone but I believe it’s the only way a relationship could work.
After saying all of that, I think two people need to also keep their self identity their own interests their own independence in a relationship. Their sense of self, defining themselves by their own not as a pair. Being able to make decisions about what they want and what they do for themselves. Taking into account their partner but not being ruled or controlled. This is a fine balance, and I know one I still need to work on more and one that differs for each person and their own boundaries and what they need.

All the list of things you want in a partner are the things you should be celebrating and working towards in yourself. As you do this you become a more whole person. It’s okay to mourn the loss of a the feelings a relationship gives you. Don’t dwell on the negative for ever. You’re a happy person, feeling sad is okay, sitting in the discomfort of losing something, the breaking of attachment is ok. It’s healthy but staying there too long or at the detriment of love, laughter, happiness and feeling content with the beautiful life I have is not.

Feeling like all those beautiful things that I desired so much have been roughly and cruelly ripped away from me is so hard. Maybe it happened so I could re-evaluate how much I was attached to those feelings and that state of being than actually appreciating her as a person and her complexity. I need to and I know I struggled with idolising the relationship for being as I thought perfect and beautiful.. I know that it had so much I struggled with, and I overlooked and just let it be.. I should have said more that I struggled, acknowledged it wasn’t perfect but that it was okay to not be perfect and that we both were able to and did work on it to make it what it was.

I shall take that away as something I can learn. Nothing is perfect, everything can be worked on and improved, and attachment to a certain way of being, loving, living or a relationship only leads to heartbreak and disappointment when it doesn’t all stay “perfect” or goes through flux or change. I can celebrate the things it taught me

You have the capacity to commit and be completely vulnerable and “IN” something.
You’re a beautiful person and an amazing lover and partner
You have the right mindset to make a relationship work even if it’s hard work and challenging
You are so forgiving regardless of how hurt you get, you open up to love more
Your heart will grow back, you can trust completely
Being in a relationship and not looking for something else, or better or the grass greener somewhere else is the most amazing feeling
Feeling fully trusted and trusting fully is a beautiful feeling and you’ve never really experienced that before
Feeling safe, cared for and loved is possible, and will only change not go away as you become friends
You have an amazing capacity to communicate and patience to work with and love someone
You have so much love to give, and intense passion and commitment, that you should NEVER be ashamed of
You will not end up alone
Somewhere someone wants to grow old with someone like you
You are both learning all the life lessons you need to experience to grow a deeper and more beautiful relationship and love to create and give more to others together

Head up girl. A broken heart grows back. You have more life to live, more love to give and this is just the amazing beginning to a new chapter in life. Chin up, learn, grow, celebrate and move on.

It’s okay to hurt


It’s okay to hurt

It’s okay to feel like you have a little gremlin sitting on your chest.

It’s okay to have no appetite

It’s okay to feel nervous or apprehensions

Remember it’s not your fault or about you

You don’t need to make yourself small any more

You don’t need to censor yourself

You don’t need to worry about saying the wrong thing

You don’t need to worry whether she’ll be herself and connect with you

You don’t need to turn the tap of affection on or off any more

You love yourself and your friends

There’s so many ways to find an outlet for that love for people who want and need it and doesn’t need to be romantic

You won’t die alone

You’re adorable and someone is getting their shit sorted to be ready to date you somewhere out there

You’re growing and maturing

This experience is only making you stronger and teaching you more about what’s really important for yourself

You have happiness inside you

Dancing and exercise makes you happy

Being completely yourself is the most fulfilling thing you can do

From that place of completely loving yourself wholly you can love someone else

The little gremlin gets lighter when you off load or write or download

You are not someone who bottles up emotions

You know how to share and are really good at it

Don’t stop just because it hurts

Hurting is just proof you have big love

A love letter to myself


It’s not because of me.

It’s now about me looking after myself. Putting myself first. It’s not about values for me. It’s about not wanting to be in a relationship where I’ve no idea what’s going on for my partner.  A partner who won’t or can’t share with me.

I live in my body.
I feel with every fiber of my being.
I break down I communicate.
I am vulnerable and open
I share how I feel to learn and communicate with my partner.
I will not my myself small or less to accommodate someone else.
I will be my authentic self even if that is larger than life
I wear my heart on my sleeve and there’s something beautiful about that.

I might have repeated my patterns about running away from things that scare me. But I can re frame that. I practice active self care. I will not slip back into dishonesty patterns because I know I am stronger than that. I will will honour my values and stand by them. I will keep being faithful to my journey but emotional and spiritual.  I am magnificent and a magical delicate flower. I don’t want to become tough or hardened.

It isn’t my fault if someone else is repressive.  This is a pattern of her behavior in many situations.  This time it was just something about me or the relationship she couldn’t handle or process.  This doesn’t mean I should change or become less. I must grieve what is lost and honour the truth that I wouldn’t have been happy long term repressing myself because someone else can’t accept all of me. Or because someone else cannot be open to communicate be open, support and work together with me.

If we could communicate and be vulnerable I believe we could work through anything any everything.  But that is outside of my control.  I can change someone or make them able to share and be vulnerable with how they feel. And nor do I want to do that.

Sometimes the thought of being open to someone new and going through the process of learning about each other is too much.  I’m scared hurting and don’t want to go through all this again.  But I can check this thinking how amazing it has been to love wholeheartedly. To commit myself to someone.  Not to hold anything back and feel like it was a beautiful thing even if only for a short time. That is a blessing. A friend I love and trust and hold dear that is precious.  But I can’t let her hurt my heart by withdrawing and repressing her feelings from me. That would never work for me.

I am strong
I am stable
I am grounded
I consider the risks
I plan before I do things
I am funny and can make people laugh
I am good at what I do
People respect me
I am have a desirable skill set
I am incredibly smart
I am worth it

I will not devalue myself or my worth